Tuesday, April 7, 2009

pain is the sun

So I had this thought....image really....this morning...about the place pain has in my life. It is like pain is the sun that i orbit around. This is awful really, and quite pessimistic, I guess, but this is sure how I feel it works right now. Pain seems to dictate most of what I can do. I am stuck in this wild orbit, and although I may move myself a bit....what I decide to do must revolve around the pain I am experiencing. If I push myself to work, whether its for half the day or the whole day, what I desire to do later is ruled by the sun god of pain....and often the dictate is nothing....i must rest...i must........rest. Sometimes I may write or read while I rest....but more often I must just lay and rest.....I can barely focus on TV much of the time. I zone out completely and do not even know what I am watching. TV is such a waste of brain and time, but it is better at staring at the wall I guess. I need to find some way to feel like a productive human being during these times. Sometimes I draw or doodle...but then my hands hurt. I wish my brain could just create things out of thin air as I think them...the poem would write itself down, or the notes would play themselves. My brain is so stuffed right now for lack of ability to create and move and flow as a human. Where has my living gone to? Its lost in the invisible orbit I keep around the sun of pain.

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